A brave and incredible personal story of the author’s experience of dating a fraud

• Published: 2019
• Completed: 15/06/2024
• Pages: 325

This incredibly brave and personal book by Stephanie Wood goes through the author’s experience of dating a fraud, and her attempts to understand and come to peace with the ordeal once it ended.

This novel was actually very hard for me to read as many of the themes currently hit very close to home.

The first half of the novel was hard to read simply because we already know that Wood’s partner is not who he claims to be.

The partner in question is given the generic name of “Joe” and a frustrating amount of time is spent on detailing his lies to the reader. This was important in establishing the ludicrous scope of his fraudulence, but I was impatient for the relationship to end. While the desire for companionship is understandable, and I felt sorry for the awful trauma inflicted on the author, I was annoyed by how long Wood suppressed her own needs during the course of this horrible relationship.

The second half of the novel, after Wood has broken up with Joe, was also hard to read because it made me reflect on my own behaviour and that of those around me. This part of the novel really reveals Wood’s strengths as a journalist. She deftly brings together research with anecdotes in a way that is both engaging and thought provoking.

So much of the second half is quotable and covers everything from online dating, self worth, childhood trauma, social expectations of women and mental disorders. At times I felt uncomfortable for the poor behaviour of my sex, while at other times, I felt defensive that these should only be attributed to men (even though it is warranted).

The novel ends with some very sage reflections on the nature of risk in relationship and how we should value and build ourselves up before finding others to “complete us”. I still find this very challenging because sometimes I want a relationship with people (family) who may not always be the best for me. Conversely, I may not always be the best for them. While we can enjoy our own company (our private “thought orgies”) I worry about what this means collectively for society if we do not try harder to repair our interactions with each other.

Quotes

“‘In my day, a lady was incapable of feeling physical attraction until she’d been instructed to do so by her mama,’ Dame Maggie Smith’s character sniffs in one episode [of Downtown Abbey]” P34

“‘Don’t ever condemn a girl for becoming pregnant,’ she said. ‘It’s the good girls who get pregnant; the others know how to avoid it.’” P34

“…the quality of the kiss is in inverse proportion to the quality of the man.” P36

“Inevitably we now ask of our lovers for the emotional connection and sense of belonging that my grandmother could get from a whole village” Sue Johnson

“The sand is white but the sea is grey. I turn around and drive the hour back to the house, arguing with tears all the way.” P228

“What mattered was the validation of my experience; that it had been sustained, covert abuse and my suffering was intense and real and I was not dramatising it.” P296

Questions and Thoughts

When on reflection people say at the time they felt something was off – is relatable that we suppress those doubts

Is height still factor for women’s attraction to men? P28

I found the writing in the first half of this novel really awkward and ambiguous. I had to reread many sentences in order to find the rhythm that will unlock the correct meaning

Look up “The Carpetbaggers” by Harold Robbins

Typo? “…her slim in a bikini” P45

Susan, the food celebrity’s wife, first referenced p19. Then first (Facebook message) contact on p134

Took an 11 day break from reading this book…

No one expects you to date people you are not attracted to, but is asking for kindness too much? P186

Dating bad men again after breaking up with Joe is to explain why the author was so vulnerable to deception: the dating market is bad. But that’s unfair

Themes of childbirth as a marker of what it means to be a woman

Jesse p193

Isolating and cutting off all contact. Avoiding discomfort? P296

New Words

• Antediluvian
• Simpatico
• Dissembled
• Interminable
• Elucidation
• Tenor
• Incipient
• Forelsket
• Parterre
• Aquiline
• Wunderkammer
• Lugubrious
• Gyre
• Inveigled
• Anankastia
• Arcological
• Cadging
• Mendacious

Ratings

• Ailsa: 7
• Hayley: 8
• Liz: 8
• Sarah: 7
• Sally: 9
• Thành: 8
• Steph: 8

Restaurant

Flagstaff Hotel